I got selected to represent my department in a meeting that happened to fall on my day off so I had to come in. Six years ago, the thought of working a 9-5 never really registered. I’m still dealing with the routine.
I started off with school as my main priority and gradually saw the scale even out to a balance of the two. As of late, that balance has disappeared and I’m stuck on one side, struggling to not lose focus on my goal from the start and that is getting my degree.
At this point, I just want it to have something to show for the years of studies. Is that wrong? I’ve invested a great deal, financially, in to my education and I’m ready to put that money and those resources into what I truly want to do.
I don’t want to lose hope and I don’t want to become bitter about my choices and missed opportunities. An I financially ready to head down the path that I would like? Honestly, not even close but I want to be enveloped in it.
Am I scared to take the risk? Absolutely. It took me years to get out of debt (almost there) and I don’t want to feel suffocated with payments but this is a bit different. My investment can potentially lead to a return greater than I have anticipated.
Thinking out loud is a gift and a curse to daily productivity.
Last month I jotted down a few things I’d like to do this year. Gotta keep it gank! #happynewyear #todo #lists #stayontrack #life #projects #goals #becomingdebtfree #personal
The shutting of the eyes, the fluffing of the pillow, the finding of my mattress groove…
in hopes of some rest.
I just want to be alert for work tomorrow.
I paid off another bill today. My doctor texted me my receipt. I’m proud of myself once again.
Photo with 2 notes
She gets me. #ecard #oneofTHOSEpeople #sorry #brokelife #beinganadultsucks #becomingdebtfree #soon #goals
I wish I had balance and the ability to do this…
I have had way too many “growing up” moments in the past two days.
My bank account hates me.
I continue making the same choices knowing the consequences — My actions are no longer justifiable.
I’m not looking for scolding, I do enough of that to myself
I’m not looking for pity.
I’m looking for something to give me the drive I claim to have but can’t really find. Is it actually something? Are ones own desires the only catalyst for accountability?
I don’t like when others give me excuses on things they should get done. If you know something needs addressing, do it! Sooner or later, it has to be done. I, admittedly, fail to hold myself to the same standard at times. I want to practice what I preach. /cliche
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like to nag. I don’t like to pester those around me. If my opinion is asked, it will be honest. If my opinion is not asked, I’ll only give it if I notice anything self destructive. The people I care about the most will unabashedly get more than others, if I see potential and I want you to succeed. I want everyone around me to feel fulfilled. I want them to work towards something and know they can accomplish their goals. I know I’m teetering along the line of sounding hokey, but I honestly mean that.
Well, this has taken a different direction than I intended so I’ll digress…
The beginning if the month marks the start of self imposed challenges. I’m under the idea that you can start a betterment challenge at any time of the month but I do understand why the first of the month is a popular marker. It’s easier to track your progress given a specific timeframe. Since I’ve been neglecting or not working towards my full potential in many aspects of my life, I wanted to get back on track. I have a quite a few things I’m going to address this month, especially, in hopes of continuing them throughout my life. There are many factors that will go into each category but I’ll keep them broad for the sake of keeping them on a personal level but also holding myself accountable at the same time. I hope to gain a more positive perspective from this.
My main points will be:
I am so pumped for this week. The bulk of my woes are slowly looking up and I’m proud of myself. I don’t give myself enough credit but every day I’m closer to reaching my goals. I can’t let others’ opinions and negative judgments run my life. I’m responsible for my decisions and my actions, for better or for worse. I won’t allow these things to bring me down. It’s easy to judge someone based on preconceived notions but it’s also cowardly. I have my plans and I’ll make them my actions when I deem them necessary. My life is my life for me and the persons I choose to share it with.
I’m turning 24 on Sunday. Yes, I feel old. Yes, it feels like the year flew by. Yes, I’m bummed that I didn’t accomplish everything on my list. Yes, I got dolled up for work because I’m pulling a ten hour shift today. Yes, I’d rather be laser tagging with my meows (I swyped “nephews” but autocorrect made it better). Yes, I want to make the most of my last day as a twenty-three year old tomorrow and my first day at twenty-four.
As much as I’m dreading getting old, I’m blessed to have the opportunity to see another year. (si dios quiere)
I’m ready to start classes in the fall. I’m ready to finish paying off my bills. (well the big ones at least) I’m ready to get a car. I’m ready for Vegas. I’m ready for September. I’m ready for autumn. I’m coming into this new year with open arms because I’m ready to embrace every opportunity, change and adventure for twenty-four.
It’s a vicious cycle, when one thing gets better, another thing gets worse. Will this always be the case? I’m trying to be better. I know I haven’t always been a good person. I’ve made many mistakes; more than I care to share so is this my karma? If it is, I get it! I don’t deserve many things. I’m not a perfect person. I can be selfish, self-centered, vain and a whole other slew of undesirable adjectives that get the best of me. They’re just an addition to being afraid to fail, self-conscious and shy. I can act like what people say doesn’t get to me and most times it doesn’t but the times it does, it fucking rocks me. That, along with my desire to succeed, creates a clash. I want to accomplish without being nitpicked. The people that genuinely want to see me succeed are shadowed by those nameless people that want to see me fail. Why do I feel the need to give the nameless a place above my supporters? Am I my own worst enemy? Am I a glutton for self-loathing? I don’t know but I don’t want to be. I’m not doing exactly what I’d like to be doing with my life right now but I’m working towards getting there. Why can’t that be enough for now? Why do I feel the need to bash myself?
I just want to be honest, hard-working, loving, selfless to a certain degree and constantly going after what I want. Why does that have to be so difficult? I don’t need extravagance when I’m content with simple.
I suppose I need a break from my mind. I want to lock it up and be ignorantly blissful for a bit. I need to remind myself that I’m my biggest supporter instead. I need to prove things to myself without worrying about the naysayers. I need to love unselfishly because I want to be that person that brightens up their day. I want to give because I truly believe it’s deserved. I want to help when I’m needed. I want this life to be meaningful because I have the chance to make it be.
I wanted to wait until I finished my first official full time week before I wrote this but…I just can’t wait. (wrote this around 3:30pm)
Where to start? This week has been a huge learning experience. I have a new found respect for people that work a 9 - 5 without a flexible boss. It’s draining. The feeling of not having time to run errands, grab dinner and sleep enough to be rested for the daily grind is tough. I’m going to reiterate that I have worked full time hours before but never under my current circumstances. I was logging nearly 30 hours a week before so the workload isn’t that much heavier but the ten to fifteen hour difference has been taxing. I could use the money (very much) so I cannot complain.
This week has pretty much backed my feelings on wanting the luxury of making my own schedule when I get older. It has reminded me not to give up. It has given me the boost I needed to continue on my own path and finish what I have started. I really needed that reminder. The constant headache of bills, work, school and repeat is a scary whirlwind to get caught up in when you’re not seeing immediate (or many) results. It puts you in a negative spot that is hard to climb out of and think anything but the worst. It stresses you out completely and makes you want to stay in bed all day and let life just pass without any effort because when you do put in the effort and you’re not getting results, you wonder what you’re working so hard for? It isn’t easy. It’s stressful. When you’re going through the school system, no one ever tells you that those dreams to be a doctor, fire fighter or ballerina might not ever come true. You’re given false hope to drive you to accomplish things along your path and when you get to a point where you find something else that captivates your mind, you pounce. You shift that energy to what it is that interests you, seems profitable or that you enjoy doing and you work for it. This “light bulb moment” isn’t set in stone. It could happen when you’re 23 or 57. It could happen more than once. And the most frightening, it could not happen at all. The point being, there are obstacles put into your path to test your will power. You are given opportunities in disguise that help mold your character and expose you to things that you would’ve never considered. Most importantly, you meet people that can offer their experiences. Whether they are negative or positive, you learn from their accomplishments or set backs. It reminds you that happiness and regret are both harsh realities but you still have the opportunity to make your situation better without forgetting that it won’t be easy. Then again, what has ever been easy?
Cesar, started summer classes this week and although I was a little reluctant to believe that he’d pull it off (not because he isn’t intelligent, he is. He has a great mind but he is a Class A procrastinator). He proved me wrong. I’m not the biggest fan of being proved wrong BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING…BLAH BLAH BLAH…but in cases like this, in the personal advancement of my loved ones, I totally back it and accept being proven wrong with open arms. It reminded me that I still have work to do. It reminded me that I will never gain a degree without going back and working for it. His enthusiasm reminded me that I have classes that need to be taken and that taking the summer off wasn’t a waste of time. I was so amped that I even scoped the course selection and jotted down what I hope to take during the fall. I fed off of his energy and used it to my advantage. I love him in many ways but his tenacity, his will to become something is something I deeply admire. I’m thankful that he has a good head on his shoulders and that in challenging himself, he challenges me. I have no doubt that he is going to succeed because he’s too stubborn to quit.
Lastly, I have this crazy energy today. It could have something to do with the fact that I worked the full week and I have the weekend off. It could be because of all that I learned or remembered this week. It could be because I get to see Cesar tomorrow (18 hours). Or it could be because I’m doing something to progress. The reality is that all of the above are contributing to this optimism. My current state of mind is all that I need. I’m determined, I’m blissful and I’m happy…I have many reasons to smile.
Tomorrow marks a big day in my life. After years (literally, years) of my manager asking me to work full time, I’m finally going to do it…(for the summer).
I’ve known the opportunity has been there for some time but I never wanted to take it. Why? I’ve always been scared of becoming “those people.” Those people? You know, the ones that get comfortable in a job and forget that they had bigger plans in mind. The ones that settle. I never want to settle. The main reason I never accepted the offer before was because college has always been my main focus. I’ve had a few bumps and road blocks along my journey to get my diploma but graduating has always been my plan. Now, with these extra hours, I can pay off non-school related bills and save up for my semester. I’m excited. Monday through Friday will feel more monotonous than ever but I’m using it as fuel to keep myself on track. It’ll be an eye-opener as to what I don’t want my life to become.
My job isn’t dreadful. I know, by the tone I’m taking, it sounds looks it is. It has its ups and downs but I’m happy to have it. I’m happy to have a steady income and to have a boss that understands and fully supports my “bigger picture.” I’m blessed in that aspect. It’s also kinda neat that my coworkers acknowledge my potential and remind me that I have to keep striving towards it. I’m glad they were put in my path because when you walk into work and your coworkers are genuinely stoked by your presence, it says something.
I’m almost positive I’m going to feel that 9 to 5 stress sooner than later but I have to bear with myself because this is a part of my bigger picture. Will I graduate in two years? Will I own my own business before I’m thirty? Will I have my own home before I’m thirty? Will I finally own my own vehicle? Will I get to travel without having to open another credit card? I don’t know! As much as that scares me, it also reminds me that I have the power to do whatever it is that makes me happy. That inspires me to keep on truckin’!
I’m lucky to have people that want me to succeed in life. I’m lucky to have parents that pester me into not settling for the bare minimum. Although, we have our differences in many things, I learn from all the arguing and I like to think they learn a bit from my own opinions as well because I love them but they have many outdated views on things. They are old fashioned folks and I can’t blame them, only speak my piece and hope to get through to them. I suppose they think the same about me.
I’m happy to have my seven sisters there to keep my ass in check when they’re around. I never listen though, not right away at least. We all have our own things going on now but when one of us needs help, and isn’t too stubborn to admit it, we try to help each other out. I do wish I could hang out with them more but I understand the circumstances and try to make the most of our time together.
I’m especially blessed to have Cesar. I still have trouble formulating words to describe how lucky I am to have him. He brings out a side of me that I never knew existed. I won’t ever stop admitting how scary it is to have someone that you care for and love, love you back. When I’m just laying in bed, telling him about my goals, plans and fears it’s scary to not have any hesitation because I’ve never been that open or honest with anyone. I definitely lucked out because I don’t deserve him. We’re both growing up and trying to figure things out but when I’m in need of someone to hug, to listen, to offer advice or to cheer me up I’m happy I have him. Sometimes I get caught up in the shitty parts of life but I don’t want that to prevent us from being happy. I want to be everything he is to me and more. I think I’ve surpassed my daily sap allotment so I’ll just stop. All I know is that, if I didn’t look forward to Saturdays enough before, I’m going to be counting the seconds now with all these extra work hours.
Lastly, I’m thankful and excited to tackle this new challenge. It’s going to be worth it!
I’m forever learning.
I’ll be better.
I’m over putting my needs on hold.
I’ll do better.
I have to pump myself up and be my biggest cheerleader.
I am better.
Almost through with my antibiotic for my sinusitis and I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to see if everything is alright. I’ve been sick for days (three weeks) and I just want to go back to one medicine a day because this whole-four-a-day bullshit is aggravating. I want to start my new challenge with Cesar (I’ll elaborate later) and beast it. I’m excited about some things and still stressing over others but I’m slowly getting a handle on the tough things. I have this crazy eagerness to try new things, visit new places and generally enjoy everything I’ve been blessed with. At times, I’m undeserving but I’m learning to do better, be better.
Sadly, I feel like I’m burning a few bridges on my journey and I’m not intentionally doing this. For once, I’d like to put myself first and look out for my own needs but it’s as if I can’t do that without letting others down. It seems impossible to find a point where I’m okay with things and everyone around me is the same. I’m either a train wreck and everyone else is doing well or vice versa but we can’t meet on the better side of things. I’m not saying I don’t want to help and be there for those around me that I care for but I want to find some common ground. I hate that some people only seek you out when shit is too hard to handle. On top of it all, they throw it in your face when you can’t help with something other than being there. It’s like, where were you when I needed that support? Where were you when I had good news to share? I think it’s shitty that I can genuinely be happy for you when you got a great job and started to take control of your life after so many failed attempts but when I got a raise, when I found someone that makes me happy, when I started to do something about my health and partially succeeded…I couldn’t even get a “good job”. I don’t live my life seeking a pat on the back every time I shit but your friends should be there for support. It shouldn’t be a one way street. Don’t seek me out when you’re bummed and I’m having a bad day just so we can have a pity party. So my problems could make you feel better that yours aren’t as bad but you still lie to my face and tell me that fucked up things (that no one should ever lie about having happened) are going on to make me feel sorry. I don’t go out of my way to find problems, they just come to me. That’s our difference. So pardon me if I don’t drop everything in my life anymore to be there. It doesn’t work like that anymore.
If only you could understand how unbelievably fortunate I feel to have had this opportunity. I’ll be back one day, the pig told me so.
I’m starting to believe that I could establish my life in a new home. I don’t know when, I don’t know how but I do know that I can and sometimes that’s all the security you need.
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